Mr. Dave, the vegetarian meal, and open-concept offices

I’ve got four problems, and now you are going to hear about them.
1) My co-workers call someone by their title and first name. For example, they would call Dave Smith “Mister Dave”.
Statement: “How’s it going Mister Dave?”
Response: “Badly, Mister Obnoxious Co-worker. Now shut your talk-hole, you nasty-toothed SOB.”
2) Vegetarian meals: those sneaky bastards. I’m eating the thing and thinking “wow, this tastes really good”. But then half an hour later, I’m hungry, and my stomach is all “umm….buddy……where’s the meat?”
3) Open-concept offices. Instead of getting people to work harder, all they result in is more elaborate ways of pretending to work. And could you please leave your desk for ten bloody minutes so I can finish airing my grievances?
4) My co-worker. The man has no grasp of how to small-talk. For example: in a completely silent room, he’ll turn to me and say “chicken’s on sale at Safeway this week”. Seriously. My response: “Really? Wow.” My dream response: “Really? Well I’ve recently opened a store and we have “go to hells” on sale! But for you, they’re on the house. So go to hell.