Dear in-laws

Please stop emailing me the 4 day "family" christmas schedule. I can't stand you people, and the thought of 4 days straight with you makes my stomach turn. I have a family too (hard to believe since the world revolves around you), and will spend time with them whenever I want, whether it is in your schedule or not. Your drunken jam sessions make you look like redneck hillbillies. And to you most of all, dear mother in law, you are a horrible, manipulative, hypocritical person. And you're fat. Like really fat. If you ask me one more time when I am having children, I promise you will never meet any future children I may have. They will also be raised atheist.